I’m sorry to have to break it to you, but yes – shit happens. Isn’t it true that at some point in your life, you’ll meet some extremely challenging circumstances, e.g. relationship breakdown, wayward children, financial meltdown, friendship problems, death, sporting failure, extreme hardship and business catastrophes. And in a very bad year, you could get several tons of shit dumped on you all at once. Yeah, bring it on!
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Let’s consider the recent case of Raoul Moat. Moat became Britain’s most wanted man after shooting his former girlfriend, Samantha Stobbart, killing her boyfriend Chris Brown and shooting PC David Rathband in the face. His crimespree came to an end a week ago, when he apparently killed himself following a six-hour standoff with police in Rothbury.
He had reached a point where he felt that the whole world was against him. But in his quest to ‘be right’ he probably came up against an immovable object – his own attitude. But unfortunately, for every action there is a reaction – which for him had fatal consequences.
From my own personal perspective, I put myself through hell (entirely due to my own choices and behaviour) after my marriage broke down several years go. I lost my home, all my friends and most of my belongings. I literally left with only my clothes and a radio! I had to start all over again, in a new town at the age of 33 with nothing. All I had on my side was my landlady, who I rented a room from, and the very shaky support from my family. It took me a long time to work out why all this had happened to me (and what I needed to change). Fortunately, I eventually found my way out of the maze and got my life back, but it was tough.
The intensity with which I was pointing the finger and scrutinising in minute detail, the shortcomings of everyone around me, plus the negative language that I was using further indicated that I had given myself very few, or no options at all. Phrases such as “it’s not fair” or “I’ve got nothing left” – left me very little room for manoeuvre.
But that was just focusing on the hole instead of the doughnut. It’s the self defeating, victim talk that took my power away, sending me down the slippery slope of self destruction. It took a while for me to crawl back up again.
Granted the case of Raoul Moat is an extreme example of someone who was prepared to do the ultimate – shoot themselves – in an effort to prove that he was right and thus remain a victim till the end. However, one thing he overlooked in his strategy was a reluctance to accept any responsibility for his part in the tragedy that unfolded before him. His short term, warped thinking led him to take someones life, blind a policeman and seriously injure his former partner.
Some say he died a hero and a legend and even a Facebook Page was set up in his memory. But that is an insult to the many unsung heroes out there who, every day, find a way to lead meaningful, purposeful lives with what little resources they have at their disposal. Being a hero usually involves some display of courage at some point. And the definition of courage means doing something for someone else and making a selfless sacrifice of some kind.
But when you wake up and get conscious of your choices and the decisions that you alone can make, and take responsibility, you put yourself back in the driving seat. Easier said than done? For the person on the edge how is that possible?
You could look at your options or spend the rest of your life pointing the finger, waiting for everyone else (i.e. friends, children, spouse, boss, employer, government, best friend) to change – or do something different. Change your attitude.
I love this story of Naval intransigence. A Warship challenged another vessel on it’s radar, and asked it to alter its course. They refused to comply so the Warship resorted to issuing a direct order for the vessel to alter their course. It was only when the object on the radar announced “this is a lighthouse” – that the warship took evasive action thus preventing it from foundering on the rocks.
In Brief Solution Focused Therapy and NLP solutions and language are explored which offer a wider range of options in scenarios that could raise your blood pressure and where you find yourself ‘behaving badly’. Because when you have options you’re less likely to paint yourself into a corner.
The need to be right and refusing to embrace any other options may have it’s roots in fear, or lack of confidence and trust in others to state your case in a calm and rational manner.
Prisons are full of individuals who’ve spent their entire lives running away from themselves. They’ve abdicated responsibility for their actions and never really woke up – but continued with their unconscious lurch from one disaster to the next, and leaving a trail of destruction behind them.
But what if you’re facing a challenge, that in no small way is actually more to do with your attitude? What if you would prefer to hold onto this attitude because the notion of letting go would be to admit defeat?
Here are some suggestions…
- Take yourself out of the situation. Go for a walk, spend some time alone to reflect and gather your thoughts
- Ask yourself – what role do I play in all this?
- Get some honest feedback from others
- When you receive the feedback – examine it calmly
- Don’t React. Respond
- Change your language from fear based to “what if” “if I had the resources” “how can I change things” “what do I need” or even “let’s make this work”
- Ask yourself “if I had the resources I wanted how would the outcome be different”?
- Accept that for every choice and decision you make there will be a consequence, which you must take responsibility for – even if things don’t go your way
- Ask yourself “If I let go of how I am feeling (just for today) and welcomed other options, how could that change things?”
- What I am not accepting about this situation?
- Detach from the outcome. You may want something with all your heart, but if its not your time – let it go
- What drama is your attitude creating in your life right now?
- By allowing the scenario to continue in its present form – what does that actually achieve?
- What are you going to do about that – what are your options?
- Who can help you resolve the situation?
Basically, all it boils down to is a simple fact. Shit happens, but when you change your attitude, everything else changes. The ‘Elephant in the Room’ could be you. Having the courage to change your attitude for some of us might be translated as ‘giving in’ or ‘losing’ – but for the man or woman who finds the strength to do it – it opens the door to that which which we all seek. Peace of Mind.
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